What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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