Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
