mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
