new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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