I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
