I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
