Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
