i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
tell me about the fingering
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