im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
