Betty ford says i'm here all night
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
