She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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