Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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