just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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