oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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