you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
