i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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