You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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