Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
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I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
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It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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