I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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