I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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