Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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