Where did you get a picture of my penis
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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