Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
