Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
