i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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