Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
