not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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