omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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