u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's blow job season.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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