There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
