Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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