Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Randomize
