I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
