Don't EVER smell your tampon
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
