these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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