My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
