I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The Olympian is in my bed
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
