NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
