Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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