I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
