I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
