i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize