i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
