Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize