Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
