Got a toothbrush?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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