I look better un-naked...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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