I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
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We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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