K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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