Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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