My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I have aggressive nipples.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
