i will never coherently bang her
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
