That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
