winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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