I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
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i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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