even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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