This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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