You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
