Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
