Someone shit on the floor
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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