The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
